Shame.

Shame is what I feel.  No getting around it.   I was on a great track and then, well, life got in the way again.

Here are the endless excuses I have for letting myself down, putting my health (both mental and physical) on the back burner, and for landing in this place of self loathing and shame:

First lame excuse:  Vacations galore, which is a good thing on so many levels.  Reconnection with my kids being the biggest one.  My job is hard.  Relentless actually.  A topic for another day.  Being in a position to take the kids and travel where I don’t have outside distractions and can spend quality time with them, without a schedule, is priceless and fills my bucket right up.   No regrets here.   But… what I can’t seem to figure out is how to go away on these vacations and see it as anything other than a reason to throw all good habits where I am concerned out the window.   I eat what I want, when I want.  I drink what I want, when I want.  And I come home and not only see the devastating effects of this behaviour, but it also throws me off all of the good habits I’ve created and I have to start over.  You know that place where you have to detox yourself from all the sugar, booze, bad carbs, etc.?   Yeah, that place.  It’s hard as fuck to do this.

Second lame excuse:  Surgery.  I had a minor surgery on April 1 because my cervix and uterus are both assholes.  The jury is still out on whether it was a success or not.   I’m told I will know when things normalize, likely 4 months post surgery.  Right now?  They haven’t normalized, but I am told that everything that is happening is normal.   What is my new normal, you ask?  A period that lasts 46 days and still going.   I’m 47, peri-menopausal and feel like shit.  Oh, and I eat my feelings so, there’s that.  Patience isn’t my strong suit with this nonsense right now, but I am looking on the positive side and am hopeful that this will all be worth it.  Soon.

Third lame excuse:   I have over volunteered my time.  Volunteering is usually not a bad thing, except when it prevents you from keeping up with everything else (including bucket filling moments with kids as mentioned above, and also relentless job responsibilities that don’t go away because you’re volunteering).  I had an event on May 4 that was a huge success.  And it nearly killed me to throw it together.   It’s behind me now and I’m re-adjusting my expectations with respect to volunteering.  Sadly, I think it’s best that I hold back on volunteer work for the short term.

Fourth lame excuse:  House falling apart.   Our house is approx. 16 years old and, well, builders these days suck.   Nothing lasts like it used to.   We have a leak coming somewhere from our balcony that sits on top of our garage into said garage that we continue to try to figure out.  We have a leak from our master bath into our kitchen that we have to figure out.   And our kitchen?  It’s old and falling apart and my guess is a kitchen reno is on the horizon.  Both our boys rooms are horribly outdated (ie: 6 year old still has nursery pictures on his wall and 8 year old has “beep beep” car decals, etc.).   I wouldn’t care so much about this stuff except we have their friends over all the time and kids are mean!  So they make fun of my 8 year old’s “baby room”.   Updates are necessary to all these parts of the house and they will cost lots of dough.  Right now I’m ignoring all of these things but can’t do this much longer.

Fifth lame excuse:  husbands travel schedule + my work schedule + kids activities = ASS.   I find we are playing catch up most of the time.  And this leaves little time for actual working out, meal planning, family time, etc.   Looking at the coming weeks and months, it appears as though these things will work themselves out.   My husband’s travel schedule is lightening up a bit and I’m negotiating with a new employer (actually, my old employer that I’m returning to) and this will entail 2 days working from home which will be life changing.

There’s more, but I’ve bored even myself.  So, I’ll stop there.   I weighed myself on Tuesday for the first time in weeks because I was afraid of what I’d see on the scale.  I’m 186.6 so not all is lost.  It’s time to refocus and really, actually achieve my long term goal before the end of 2019.  I still maintain this is my year.   What I have to remember is this:

“In the end, Don’t fear failure.  Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.”

Success!

We’re home from a terrific March break holiday week in sunny Florida.   We had such a fantastic time, it was hard to leave!   Now back to the grind.

My official first weigh in was this morning.   I felt like I couldn’t bare to see the carnage on Monday morning and so waited a few days to see where I landed.    I weighed in today and to my great surprise, I am sitting at 185.6!   My last weigh in was 186.6 so I’m actually DOWN at lb!

I tried hard to watch what I was eating while we were away, made “some” healthy choices and didn’t over eat or snack a lot – I just stuck to breakfast, lunch and dinner for the most part, but … I drank beer wherever and whenever I felt like it.  And as it turns out, I felt like it a whole heck of a lot!

I’m thrilled to be home and down a lb.   I’ll weigh in again next Wednesday morning to get back into my usual routine.

Laughable

I know that one must prepare one-self for a “slow and steady wins the race” mentality when it comes to weight loss generally, but OMG. 

186.6 today.    I guess a 0.6 lb loss is better than any gains! 

We’re heading off on vacation (again … wow, we’re vacationing a lot in the early part of 2019 – I like it!!) to Florida and my goal is to maintain this weight; however, there will be beer.  And possibly lots of it.  So I’ll have to make up for it with work outs and good eating.  

I think I can …. I think I can …. I think I can ….

Movin’ like a sloth

Weigh in day:  187.2 lbs.

Down 1 lb from last week and 5.2 lbs in total.   I’d be lying if I said I was ok with the pace that this weight loss is moving at!   I know it takes time and it’s healthier when it comes off slowly.  But MAN!  

Onward and upward.  I’m moving in the right direction on the scale and that’s the focus!    Leaving for Florida a week tomorrow – my goal is to reach 186 (or less!) before we leave and to be super mindful while we’re away in hopes of having a break even holiday.   

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.  Have to keep reminding myself of this!

Week 7: I’m on a Roll

I weighed in at 188.2lbs this morning, so I’m down 1lb this week.   I’m on a roll, albeit a slow, turtle paced like roll, but I’ve heard it a million times – slow and steady wins the race. 

I didn’t get to the gym much as I was buried under piles and piles of work as well as sandy laundry and kid activities.   I did keep my calorie intake in check all week long and was “active” in that I rarely had a chance to sit down!   We went skiing as a family again on Sunday.  It continues to be my absolute favourite thing we do together.  I love watching the boys get better at it every week and their lack of any fear at all is amazing!   Thank God for helmets!   We also took the kids to a massive toboggan hill on Monday (provincial holiday here in Ontario), so lots and lots of walking up snowy and, in some parts, icy hills with GT snow racers on my back made for a great workout as well.   

Our next vacation is quickly approaching and it’ll be a challenge for me but not in the same way the Disney Cruise was.  We are driving to Florida and have rented a house with my best friend and her family for a week.   I will be having drinks, I’m a realist after all.   But I’ll have more control over the food I put into my body so I’m hoping to break even and maybe even lose a little bit while I’m there.   I’m hoping for good weather so I can get outside and run 2 or 3 times during the week.   We leave in 2 weeks for this adventure and I’m hopeful that I can get my weight down to 186.  Notwithstanding the massive gains on the cruise, I feel more focussed this time around than I have in years and it’s a great feeling.   Small goals along the way get you to your ultimate goal, right?

Vacation Tally is in.

So I made it to my goal of 185 before we departed on our trip.   Disney cruisin’ through the Western Caribbean with a short stop at a beach hotel in Cape Canaveral afterwards and then homebound.    We all had such a great time (but oh man… some Disney obsessed people be crazy!  We don’t get it!)

I weighed in this morning at 189.2.   I drank beer and ate like garbage with reckless abandon and it was fab.   But… I’m home now and totally back on track.  

I knew I’d give up some of my momentum going on this vacation so I’m not disappointed.   Ending this week at 188 would make me super happy.

Next up?  March break trip back to Florida in 3.5 short weeks.   We’re driving instead of flying so it should be easier to control our intake on the way there and back.   A quick stop at Walmart or another grocery store to load up on healthy snacks and meals to whip together in the car should help.   Once in sunny FLA, we have a house rented with good friends and will be filling our fridge with healthy food for the week.   I’d love to make it back to 185 for this trip and then maintain, or lose(!), while there.

Once I’m through March break, I will be solidly on track for the balance of the winter through the spring in hopes of hitting some pretty awesome goals by summer!

Hard work really does pay off…

Last weigh in was 189.8.   This morning (about a week and a half after my last weigh in) I’m at 186lbs.   Feeling super proud about this!   Lots of work outs and runs under my belt, snow shovelling (wholly shit do we have a lot of snow right now) and healthy eating.   I’ve only had 1 beer since my last post. 

We are heading out on Thursday evening, driving from Toronto to Buffalo to catch our flight on Friday to Orlando and then boarding our Disney cruise on Saturday.   It’s gonna be a total shit show for food and booze all week, but I already know this and will just have to deal and get back on track when we’re home. 

Hoping I can squeak another lb off this frame and head into the vacation at 185 … that might motivate me while on board the ship to keep things under control 🙂 

Into the thick of it.

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve come to this space.  How time flies!   If I’m being honest, the year of 2019 started for me on January 7, not January 1.  We had a couple of parties and other events that made it hard to stay away from booze and shitty food so we decided to hit it hard starting Jan 7 and we’ve done just that. 

We’re in a friendly challenge with some good friends in our neighbourhood that’s entirely made up.  The couple that started it set out the rules – you get points each day for healthy eating and working out.  You dock points for every alcoholic drink you have.   This has made us SO aware of our habits and we’re thinking before we eat/drink everything and are both working out so.much.more.    Healthy fun competition is definitely the way to get a fire started under my ass.   Also, we are the couple in the challenge that has the most work ahead of us (read:  everyone else is already in great shape and just getting back on track, vs us who have lots of weight to lose) so that adds to our fire too.   My husband is much better off than I am, but still has about 20lbs he’d like to lose. 

I started off with an official weight of 192.6 (on Jan 7) and I’m down to 189.8 for a total loss of  2.8lbs.  I won’t give a full breakdown of the days between Jan 7 and now … but I can say that I’ve cut out all sugar and junk and after 12 full days of detox from the crap (and booze), I’m feeling so much better.  Stronger and more present as well.  I love this feeling.    I think I’ll start a weekly log to continue to motivate myself to keep the momentum. 

Until next week…

You can’t skip chapters.

I’ve just fallen upon this.   THIS.  “You can’t skip chapters, that’s not how life works.”  I feel as though I’ve been skipping chapters in the last 3 or so years.   I’ve totally let myself go and the ultimate result of that is that I’ve not let my stories continue to evolve while everyone else’s stories are  revolving around me.  Part of me wonders if women who struggle so much to have their families because of infertility end up in this place once they’ve been lucky enough to achieve all of their goals.  Thankful doesn’t quite capture the feelings I have about being able to succeed through IVF … twice!   But I sometimes think I hold myself to a higher standard and expect perfection from myself as a mom because I have to pay the universe back for that luck.   And when I feel as though I’m failing at my number 1 job, there’s some sabotage that happens.  

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I’m ready to dig deep, work hard and get to the place of “having moments when you don’t want the pages to end.” 

At the beginning again …

Here I am, at the beginning again. This time, I hope that it truly is a beginning that will yield real results that stay with me. I’ve been here before and it’s proven to be so fucking hard.

This morning, I weighed in at 192lbs. Ugh. When I was younger, I was such an amazing athlete and always in great shape. I took great pride in that … I usually sat around 135/140lbs (I’m short but have a weird amount of muscle mass in me) and always felt and looked so healthy. Now, after years of infertility treatments, 5 pregnancies and 2 kids (7 and 5 yrs old), I find myself totally overweight, exhausted all the time and unhealthy at 47. It seems to permeate through all areas of my life. I’m miserable at work, can be short with the kids at times when I shouldn’t, short with my husband as well, and I’m peri-menopausal. Not a good combination at all.

So, the buck must stop here. I know how to do this. No fad diets for me. Work out and eat healthy. Oh, and get plenty of sleep, too. I’m not sure if anyone will actually read any of this, but I’ve got to record it somewhere and this is where I’ve landed.

Jan 2 is officially day 1. My goals for the balance of week 1 are simple. Exercise at least twice between now and Sunday, eat healthy and stay away from all the garbage foods in my house from Christmas.

My long term goals are to lose a total of 42lbs by summer and ride into summer at 150. It’s officially on!