Shame.

Shame is what I feel.  No getting around it.   I was on a great track and then, well, life got in the way again.

Here are the endless excuses I have for letting myself down, putting my health (both mental and physical) on the back burner, and for landing in this place of self loathing and shame:

First lame excuse:  Vacations galore, which is a good thing on so many levels.  Reconnection with my kids being the biggest one.  My job is hard.  Relentless actually.  A topic for another day.  Being in a position to take the kids and travel where I don’t have outside distractions and can spend quality time with them, without a schedule, is priceless and fills my bucket right up.   No regrets here.   But… what I can’t seem to figure out is how to go away on these vacations and see it as anything other than a reason to throw all good habits where I am concerned out the window.   I eat what I want, when I want.  I drink what I want, when I want.  And I come home and not only see the devastating effects of this behaviour, but it also throws me off all of the good habits I’ve created and I have to start over.  You know that place where you have to detox yourself from all the sugar, booze, bad carbs, etc.?   Yeah, that place.  It’s hard as fuck to do this.

Second lame excuse:  Surgery.  I had a minor surgery on April 1 because my cervix and uterus are both assholes.  The jury is still out on whether it was a success or not.   I’m told I will know when things normalize, likely 4 months post surgery.  Right now?  They haven’t normalized, but I am told that everything that is happening is normal.   What is my new normal, you ask?  A period that lasts 46 days and still going.   I’m 47, peri-menopausal and feel like shit.  Oh, and I eat my feelings so, there’s that.  Patience isn’t my strong suit with this nonsense right now, but I am looking on the positive side and am hopeful that this will all be worth it.  Soon.

Third lame excuse:   I have over volunteered my time.  Volunteering is usually not a bad thing, except when it prevents you from keeping up with everything else (including bucket filling moments with kids as mentioned above, and also relentless job responsibilities that don’t go away because you’re volunteering).  I had an event on May 4 that was a huge success.  And it nearly killed me to throw it together.   It’s behind me now and I’m re-adjusting my expectations with respect to volunteering.  Sadly, I think it’s best that I hold back on volunteer work for the short term.

Fourth lame excuse:  House falling apart.   Our house is approx. 16 years old and, well, builders these days suck.   Nothing lasts like it used to.   We have a leak coming somewhere from our balcony that sits on top of our garage into said garage that we continue to try to figure out.  We have a leak from our master bath into our kitchen that we have to figure out.   And our kitchen?  It’s old and falling apart and my guess is a kitchen reno is on the horizon.  Both our boys rooms are horribly outdated (ie: 6 year old still has nursery pictures on his wall and 8 year old has “beep beep” car decals, etc.).   I wouldn’t care so much about this stuff except we have their friends over all the time and kids are mean!  So they make fun of my 8 year old’s “baby room”.   Updates are necessary to all these parts of the house and they will cost lots of dough.  Right now I’m ignoring all of these things but can’t do this much longer.

Fifth lame excuse:  husbands travel schedule + my work schedule + kids activities = ASS.   I find we are playing catch up most of the time.  And this leaves little time for actual working out, meal planning, family time, etc.   Looking at the coming weeks and months, it appears as though these things will work themselves out.   My husband’s travel schedule is lightening up a bit and I’m negotiating with a new employer (actually, my old employer that I’m returning to) and this will entail 2 days working from home which will be life changing.

There’s more, but I’ve bored even myself.  So, I’ll stop there.   I weighed myself on Tuesday for the first time in weeks because I was afraid of what I’d see on the scale.  I’m 186.6 so not all is lost.  It’s time to refocus and really, actually achieve my long term goal before the end of 2019.  I still maintain this is my year.   What I have to remember is this:

“In the end, Don’t fear failure.  Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.”

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