You can’t skip chapters.

I’ve just fallen upon this.   THIS.  “You can’t skip chapters, that’s not how life works.”  I feel as though I’ve been skipping chapters in the last 3 or so years.   I’ve totally let myself go and the ultimate result of that is that I’ve not let my stories continue to evolve while everyone else’s stories are  revolving around me.  Part of me wonders if women who struggle so much to have their families because of infertility end up in this place once they’ve been lucky enough to achieve all of their goals.  Thankful doesn’t quite capture the feelings I have about being able to succeed through IVF … twice!   But I sometimes think I hold myself to a higher standard and expect perfection from myself as a mom because I have to pay the universe back for that luck.   And when I feel as though I’m failing at my number 1 job, there’s some sabotage that happens.  

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I’m ready to dig deep, work hard and get to the place of “having moments when you don’t want the pages to end.” 

At the beginning again …

Here I am, at the beginning again. This time, I hope that it truly is a beginning that will yield real results that stay with me. I’ve been here before and it’s proven to be so fucking hard.

This morning, I weighed in at 192lbs. Ugh. When I was younger, I was such an amazing athlete and always in great shape. I took great pride in that … I usually sat around 135/140lbs (I’m short but have a weird amount of muscle mass in me) and always felt and looked so healthy. Now, after years of infertility treatments, 5 pregnancies and 2 kids (7 and 5 yrs old), I find myself totally overweight, exhausted all the time and unhealthy at 47. It seems to permeate through all areas of my life. I’m miserable at work, can be short with the kids at times when I shouldn’t, short with my husband as well, and I’m peri-menopausal. Not a good combination at all.

So, the buck must stop here. I know how to do this. No fad diets for me. Work out and eat healthy. Oh, and get plenty of sleep, too. I’m not sure if anyone will actually read any of this, but I’ve got to record it somewhere and this is where I’ve landed.

Jan 2 is officially day 1. My goals for the balance of week 1 are simple. Exercise at least twice between now and Sunday, eat healthy and stay away from all the garbage foods in my house from Christmas.

My long term goals are to lose a total of 42lbs by summer and ride into summer at 150. It’s officially on!